The joys and pains of Motherhood

I tend to be quite cautious about what I share on Facebook. While I don't want to come across as someone who carefully manufactures a picture-perfect Facebook life -only posting flattering holiday or family pictures where everyone is giddily happy - at the same time I would generally prefer not air my problems on social networks. The trivialities of life are fine - I'd happily tell all about my little missteps, or failings but larger, more real issues I'm afraid have to be left for person to person interaction. So when a friend did what I would ordinarily consider "overshare" today about her feelings of being unappreciated by her children and their father, I must admit that my immediate reaction was to cringe. I cringed not because I couldn't relate to what she was saying but because I thought here she was baring her soul for all one hundred and something of her so-called friends. I almost in-boxed her to ask her what was going on and if she needed to talk. But then I thought better of it and decided to respond directly to her posting my comment for other women who have similar sentiments to read.

All too often mothers are silenced by their peers, their partners, their children, by society. To speak about motherhood in a negative way can raise eyebrows and elicit whispers. Either you end up becoming the object of pity by the self-declared supermums or everyone starts walking on eggshells around you as though you're mentally unstable and could snap at any moment. Yet it is perfectly acceptable to have moments of doubt or misgivings as girlfriends or wives, so why is it unfathomable that we can experience the same thing as mothers?

From the changes our bodies undergo during pregnancy to the incomparable pain of childbirth, to the incredibly difficult post natal period where women either feel overwhelmed by the reality of having a living breathing being that requires their constant attention - to the unbearably painful and emotional early stages of breastfeeding and then the emotional rollercoaster of being all things to our children while managing our household and/or maintaining full time jobs and ensuring we look good enough to dissuade our partners/husbands from straying - women seem to bear it all....at times stoically, at other times with outward joy. For the most part, we realise that the rewards are far greater than the agony we go through - we bear the scars of motherhood with a sense of pride - the stretch marks; the hanging tummy or mother's apron as it's aptly known. We say goodbye to the idea of wearing teeny bikinis because there is this incredible person in our lives, who loves us unconditionally and makes us laugh and smile and cry and we cannot imagine ourselves without them....even if ourselves before them were skinnier and less sleep deprived.

Yet there are times when motherhood does feel like a thankless job, when it takes all the strength and willpower to stop yourself from having the outburst, from crying, from locking yourself in the bathroom and demanding a moment's peace from everyone. There are times when we have to, we need to take a break from the running around and taking care of everyone, making sure lunch and snacks are packed, uniforms are ironed, classes are attended - when we simply need to stop and ask ourselves "who is taking care of us?" And at times the answer we come back with is terribly depressing and yet we still press on. After all, this is our calling, so we tell ourselves, so quitting is simply not an option.

But if we are going to press on as primary caregivers, as fixers of everything - psychiatrists, book keepers, drivers, lovers, cooks, teachers, which I fully accept, surely we should be allowed to scream when it all gets overwhelming. Our genuinely expressed anguish shouldn't elicit cringes from our friends who are all too familiar with the things we're complaining about. We should be able to say that we feel unappreciated without being made to feel like we are letting the 'side' down...not quite coping as expected. We shouldn't feel the need to compete with the domestic goddesses who too, more likely than not, have moments of self-doubt and angst. Most importantly we should be able to tell our children and our partners how we feel. We should be able to ask them to do better, to consider our feelings too without it being seen as emotional blackmail or worse still, that loathsome sexist put down....nagging. 

Because of my reaction today, I want to apologise to all the mothers who've ever felt dismissed by their friends and their loved ones. You are right to feel overwhelmed, angry, taken for granted, even depressed at times. Those feelings are valid given what you go through each and every day. Seeing your children grow or your partner become more successful may not be enough to appease you so my hope is that, like my friend, you will find the courage to tell those who matter in your life how you feel. I hope that they will love you enough to listen and to do something about it - to start to see you as more than just a person whose role in life is facilitate their lives. And more importantly I hope you will start seeing yourself as more than their cheerleader and recognise that you are a person in your own right - that before you were a mother or a wife, you had interests, a goal, a focus! In remembering that, hopefully as mums, we can focus more on taking care of ourselves and being our own biggest fans rather than waiting for the one day each year when the people we show love and appreciation 365 days - return the favour.

One girl with courage is a revolution*

I saw a screening of the documentary
'Girl Rising' this evening. I've been meaning to catch screening for months now, but unlike a regular movie which would show in theatres for a set period of time, a screening of Girl Rising requires active participation. Anyone can decide to organise a screening - you can either 'crowd source' by requesting a screening in a theatre near you and letting friends know. If there are enough people - the screening will go ahead. So finally I found out about a screening in Brooklyn and decided to go and see it.

Girl Rising is undoubtedly one of the most engaging documentaries I have ever seen. It features a number of girls of varying ages from all over the world. Their stories are told in beautifully poetic accounts by writers from their countries and narrated by mostly famous people some of whose voices you may recognize. Each story is a snippet of the life of a girl in a developing country where education is a luxury and where at times girls face unspeakable hardships. 

The thread that binds the stories together is the narration that speaks of what it means to be a girl in this world. The statistics, some of which you may have heard, speak of the injustices faced by girls in the world today. Statistics that we so often ignore - and sometimes view as an inconvenient truth that, if acknowledged may force us to do more - engage more and most importantly demand more of ourselves and our elected leaders. The website also publishes these statistics (below) - no doubt as an important reminder of the urgency of the situation and the necessity for things to change.

1.  Globally, 66 million girls out of school. (UNESCO) 
2. 80% of all human trafficking victims are girls. (UNFPA) 
3. There are 33 million fewer girls than boys in primary school (Education First)\ 
4.  75% of AIDS cases in sub-Saharan Africa—the region hardest hit by the disease—are women and girls. (UNAIDS) 
5. In a single year, an estimated 150 million girls are victims of sexual violence. (UNIFEM) 
6.  50% of all the sexual assaults in the world are on girls under 15. (UNFPA) 
7. 14 million girls under 18 will be married this year; 38 thousand today; 13 girls in the last 30 seconds. (UNFPA) 
8. The #1 cause of death for girls 15-19 is childbirth. (World Health Organization) 9. Girls with 8 years of education are 4 times less likely to be married as children. (National Academies Press) 
9.  A child born to a literate mother is 50% more likely to survive past the age of 5. (UNESCO) 
10.  Educated mothers are more than twice as likely to send their children to school. (UNICEF) 
11.  School is not free in over 50 countries. (UNESCO) 
12. A girl on planet earth has a 1 in 4 chance of being born into poverty. (The World Bank) 
13. A girl with an extra year of education can earn 20% more as an adult. (The World Bank) 
14. Women operate a majority of small farms and business in the developing world. (Focus on Five) 
15.  If India enrolled 1% more girls in secondary school, their GDP would rise by $5.5 billion. (CIA World Factbook) (Global Campaign for Education and RESULTS Education Fund) 
16.  There are 600 million girls in the developing world. (The World Bank) 

Most of the stories had a uplifting end or at least the promise of a better future. One however, about a girl in Afghanistan who could not even appear in her story as she feared for her life, moved me to tears beyond anything I could have imagined. As I listened to the account of this girl, no doubt ordinary by the standards in her country, learning of how she was rejected by her mother for being born the wrong sex, then forced into child labour, married off at 11 and thrust into child-bearing shortly after, I couldn't help but sob...and sob loudly. I suddenly felt overwhelmed by a strong sense of sadness and sense of resignation I think. The idea of a child of 11 being impregnated and going through the trauma of child birth - her body, having barely reached puberty was more than I could take. It seemed to me to reflect the plight of so many girls and women. Fortunately her story ended up being one of triumph because of her courage and determination. 

There was a large group of girls, probably aged 10-13 in the cinema and although I didn't think it was appropriate for them to witness all the injustices and unspeakable trauma that children their age, around the world face, I did hope that they would go away more informed, and more determined to make a difference.

It goes without saying that I would recommend this film. As a woman brace yourself. As a woman with a daughter, brace yourself even more because it will rip at your heart, but as the title suggests it is a story of change and optimism. The overriding message is that change is possible with courage and support. We can build the momentum of change by spreading the word, supporting the cause in whatever way we can. We owe it to the future of this world to ensure that every girl finds the courage and gains the support to rise way above her adversities to do and most of all to be something great in spite of all the challenges she faces. 
Please visit http://www.girlrising.com

*the documentary's full title is Girl Rising: One Girl with Courage is a Revolution

Other people's children

I adore children, really I do but I realise that I’m developing an increasing lack tolerance for other people’s children. It’s not they're not cute or that they lack extraordinary talents i.e. your 3 year old’s ability to count to a thousand. It’s more about their behaviour, their lack of manners and their generally held belief that the world revolves around them because clearly this is what their parents have been telling them.


Take for instance my recent train journey from Newcastle –I was stuck in a small space (a regular coach compartment) for 3 hours and had to deal with a little boy who spent half of his time repeatedly shouting the words ‘fat pants’ which he obviously thought was his way of being rebellious and rude, and the other half crying and screaming. His mother, instead of disciplining her child at home so that he would know how to behave when he came out in public, was red faced with embarrassment as she pleaded with him to be quiet. I was tempted but of course resisted saying ‘It’s a little late for that now isn’t it love?’

I do sympathise with parents who have difficult children, honest I do and I’m a parent myself so I’d be lying if I said that my children were always on their best behaviour. They are after all quite young so unpredictable madness does happen every so often. I guess to an extent it’s about the frequency of the insane and bad behaviour in public.

There are parents out there, mums especially who over-indulge their children and that can only be a bad thing when those children are out in the real world interacting with people who don’t think they’re so precious. A lot of parents, again mothers especially seem to be under the deluded impression that their children are cute by universal standards; that the cheeky things they say make for great dinner table conversations. Really...they don’t. I love my children but I’m under no illusion that everyone else finds them adorable. I’m also cognisant of the fact that the things they say are amusing to me alone, even their dad doesn’t always get it. Yes, so what if little Johnny said ‘oh mummy you look great in that skirt’. It’s only cute because a) you’re the source of Johnny’s compliment and b)you can remember when Johnny couldn’t even talk at all so this is all such a big deal for you. For the rest of the world, he’s just another precocious child to join the long list that’ve graduated from Italia Conti talent school or made the school’s gifted register. What matters is that your little genius knows how to comport himself in public, doesn’t throw tantrums when he thinks he’s not getting his own way or interrupt the conversation of adults who are older and therefore wiser than him.

I remember our parents’ generation taking the approach of children being seen and not heard and I’m beginning to think that they were on to something. Today too many children have been led to believe they dictate what happens in their homes. We spend our lives as modern day mothers in the Western world planning activities for them and around them to the detriment of our own social lives. A balance has to be struck somewhere. While there should be child-focused activities, I think we need to teach our children that sometimes they need to enjoy their own companies or have time to reflect on how fortunate they are in the grand scheme of things. We especially need to teach them discipline because aside from it helping us to have some semblance of order in our homes, it’s invaluable when they’re out in public representing us. Trust me, everyone judges you by your children’s behaviour. They may not say it but they’re secretly thinking ‘what bad parents’ when they see your child rolling around on the supermarket floor because you refused to buy her that packet of sweets.

It’s no secret that we didn’t invent parenting, and we’re not the first to have difficult children, our parents did it and at no point do I recall us throwing the sort of hissy fits some children throw today. Actually correction, I do remember trying it once – I threw away an ice-cream my mother bought me because she bought the same for my cousins too, much to be capricious annoyance. After she had finished dealing with me, let’s just say it never happened again.

If as a modern parent you don’t subscribe to disciplining your child in whatever shape or form, then let me offer a word of advice, perhaps it would be best to keep them locked up at home and not inflict them on the rest of us.

Keep our supermarkets, buses, trains and planes free of your badly behaved brats.