On losing someone

In the past two months, I've lost loved ones and been close to people who have lost their loved ones too and every time death comes, I try to will myself to understand it so that I can deal with it  better. This is of course easier to do when the person lost is old or has had to endure a painful illness, but when it relates to someone who is young and seemingly full of life, it seems impossible to reason. What possible lesson could be learnt from the death of a young person or a child? It seems absolutely illogical to me.
A friend recently lost her niece at the age of 5, she had just been diagnosed with a brain tumour and before her parents could get used to the idea that their child was suffering from a fatal condition, she was gone. I cannot imagine anything worse in this world than losing a child. While I am not someone who despairs easily, this is the one thing that I think causes me sadness beyond belief. I  cannot fathom how or why an innocent life can be taken away. Yes I believe in God and for the most part I agree that everything is according to God's will. I even try and tell myself that things happen for a reason, that rather than despair we must try and learn from them but I cannot understand what lesson God could possibly want to teach us through the death of a child or a young and healthy person.
As a parent, my fear of death is even more pronounced, it renders me so completely helpless that I cannot even contemplate it. I fear losing my children, I fear them losing me or their father or the family members they love and hold so dear. As incomprehensible as it may sound, I almost want to make a pact with God to spare them the heartache and pain of losing someone. Given the chance, I would make absolutely any sacrifice that would guarantee their happiness and well-being.
Death is a strange thing and I know we can't spend our lives fearing it because as the saying goes it is the only certain thing in life but isn't it understandable for us to wish it knocked on a door far far away from ours? It's not that we don't expect it to ever happen to us, just that it would happen after we have had a long and full life, after we've seen our children grow, witnessed the birth of our grandchildren, after we have achieved what we set out to achieve. Is that such a selfish thing to ask for?
Another aspect of our lives that makes losing our loved ones even more painful is the fact that circumstances have meant that we reside in all the various corners of the earth, sometimes thousands of miles away from our family.While we may be a phone call away, it is often physically impossible for us to reach those we love so dearly and to hold them close and comfort them when death happens in the family. This separation renders us even more helpless and we can't help but curse the day we left for the pursuit of a better life...a life that now means our children could not see their grandparents before they died.
I often pray for spiritual enlightenment - the ability to understand the meaning and purpose of all things which I believe leads to inner peace. I'm tired of fearing things I have no control over, of dreading the early morning phone call with bad news, wishing if only I had done this or that differently. The untimely death of my beautiful niece has made me vow each day to hold my family and friends closer, to keep in touch more, to visit more, to call more and to make each and every day count knowing that it could, very well be the last.

Has our generation dropped the baton?

There is a scene in Katori Hall's new play on broadway about Martin Luther King Jr which sees Angela Basset's character deliver a monologue to Samuel L Jackson's portrayal of the legendary Civil Rights activist. I cannot recall ever feeling so blown away by someone's delivery on stage nor have I ever been left feeling such sadness and elation by their words. The premise behind the scene 'the baton passes on' is the depiction of how the world has progressed since and because of Martin Luther King Jr's incredible work. In the end, The Mountaintop  left me pondering whether our generation who are the supposed leaders of today, the would-be grandchildren of Martin Luther King Jr. and Malcolm X, Nelson Mandela, Kwame Nkrumah, have in fact picked the baton from those great personalities of the 60s, 70s and 80s.

A week ago, Wangari Maathai, an incredible woman, environmentalist, women's rights activist and Nobel Peace prize winner died and as I read about the incredible work she'd done and found myself more and more in awe of this larger-than-life yet unbelievably humble personality, I couldn't help but feel that her kind are a dying breed. There seems to be a lack of the sense of urgency that people who became adults in the post independence era had. I would even go as far as to say we lack inspiration in today's world. Our call to action is linked to either commercialism or selfishness. We seem to be driven by a desire to better ourselves and our nuclear family  but not to sacrifice for the greater good. The media which we consume with reckless abandon teaches  us to focus less on the 'We' and more on the 'Me' likewise the 'new' religions reinforce this notion of self-centeredness where people are encouraged to pray for their own success which often times is translated to acquisition of money and the material goods they crave so much.

I've heard the argument many times that there is no longer a need for carrying on or passing on the baton; as though the work of these great men and women were done - some would say we've achieved what they wanted us to achieve. I beg to differ. There is as urgent a need for action as there ever was. While the struggle is no longer for Civil Rights for African-Americans, Self-determination for countries in Africa and the Caribbean, who can honestly argue that there is no longer suffering or injustice in our world. Can we honestly attest to every person having the basic human rights which we take for granted? Or that we are happy with those who govern us, whether democratically elected by us or hand-picked by some government sitting thousands of miles away and determining our country's future? Can we put our hands on hearts and say that we're doing a great job taking care of our planet? Are we really content with our lot in life or just overcome by apathy?

I recognise these are loaded questions and perhaps the picture I paint seems more gloomy than the reality you perceive. I oftentimes hear people talk about how much things have improved, how much more fortunate we are than our parents and this may be true for some of us but we represent but a small percentage of the earth's population. As long as the majority of the earth's population still struggles for access to basic things like food, education, for their freedom, there can't be any room for complacency. After call, should we not be our brothers' keepers?

I don't pretend to know the answer to so many of the problems we face today - like why Palestine is an occupied territory in the 21st century, why millions of Americans live below the poverty line, why sexual violence is still used as a tool of war against the unarmed and vulnerable, and children still denied the right to education or perhaps and most importantly why so few share so much wealth while so many go without. Nonetheless I think a debate is necessary and as urgent as it was in the 1960s or 70s, we need to recognise that unless those around us are comfortable and happy in themselves and well taken care of, our comfort zone remains extremely precarious. However small our action, it's important for us to pick up the baton for the sake of our children and grandchildren in an effort to create a better world where noone is left out. In the words of the late Wangari Maathai, we can all aim to be like the hummingbird.

Hanging up my Superwoman cape

She's a successful professional working her way up the corporate ladder, cooks like Nigella, runs a small cupcake business on the side, is on the Parents Teachers Association committee of her children's school and is teaching her one year old baby sign language. This may sound like a comic book heroine but I'm guessing we can all recognise one or more of the modern day Superwoman’s traits and for some of us she may reflect the Over-Achiever we've become. My question though is how healthy is it to want to achieve so much?


There's a Boot advert  released in December depicting two women who are running errands whilst clearly suffering from very bad colds. They bump into each other and recount all the things they have to do which includes completing a presentation for a meeting, packing for a holiday, picking kids up from school and taking them swimming, nursing a husband who is sick in bed and all the while confirming through blocked up noses that they are fine...yes fine. I used to like this advert, in fact it used to make me laugh but not anymore. Now I want to weep when I see it and short of that, I find myself shouting at the TV "Don't encourage them!" Them ofcourse being women who seem to think that it's a badge of honour doing everything and not acknowledging that they sometimes need help or simply to take time out for themselves.

In addition to all that she does, Superwoman’s mission would be incomplete without some serious gloating or one-up man ship. It’s simply not enough to be a size 0 two months after giving birth as well as of course already giving your partner a run for his money in the bedroom and completing a marathon in record time, she also has to tell other women about it ….especially the 'failures'…you know the ones who are having trouble shifting the flab three years after giving birth and are looking like a hot mess on the personal grooming front. What better way to drive them to suicide than to reveal your six pack abs whilst whipping up a three course meal and extolling the virtues of home schooling. Recently Mrs Bloom…. (Orlando’s wife) decided to post a flawless picture of herself breastfeeding her newborn baby accompanied by comments that she gave birth to the almost 10lb baby without any pain relief. Great.....so thanks for that Miranda; that just made the day of that new mum suffering from post natal depression having spent 12 hours in labour with an epidural. And then there’s Gisele Bundchen….yes the supermodel who told women last year that they should all be forced to breastfeed for at least six months because ofcourse she did just that no doubt whilst travelling between Milan and Rio on photo shoots. Another wonderful moment for womankind….just what we needed especially when thousands of women are having a hard time not producing enough milk for their newborns and feeling inadequate as a result.

The truth is being an over achiever, Super mum, Super wife, Super Manager comes at a heavy price to our health. Our constant running around and giving 110% as the expression goes may not manifest itself immediately but it will invariably lead to stress which does have an impact on our short and long term health. Some serious side effects of stress include hair loss, insomnia, high blood pressure and even stomach ulcers, and I can testify to knowing  a number of women who have suffered from one or more of these. What's more so many of us appear incapable of just relaxing….you know that party trick where you do absolutely nothing! In short, our quest for perfection is making us socially inadequate at best and sick at worst.

I'll admit to having donned my Superwoman cape with pride in the past but think my ‘light bulb moment’ came when I woke up one night wondering and asking my sleeping hubby whether our daughter had eaten lunch before going to a party the day before. That’s when I realised that this business of trying to do everything and do it perfectly was getting out of hand. Not only was my question absurd at 2 a.m., it also revealed that rather than having a restful night’s sleep I was busy worrying about all the things I had not been able to control/do perfectly. I concluded that rather than lose my sanity trying to create an unrealistically perfect world, I had better lower my expectations. So whilst I am not hanging up my chef’s apron completely or giving up blogging or my business or doing a good job at work, I am loosening my control on these things. If work doesn’t get done within the dedicated hours, i.e. 9am-5pm with a full hour’s lunch, then it will simply have to wait until the next day. I’m going to re-acquaint myself with the freezer section of the supermarket when I just don’t have the energy to prepare a nutritious meal from scratch. My kids do not need to have organised activity every weekend, sometimes they can just play with the toys they have or here’s an idea…learn to entertain themselves. If I can only get around to blogging once a month….then so be it. I’m sure the world will survive without my pearls of wisdom for a few weeks. And as far as the business is concerned I will learn to delegate more and then just let it go!!!!!! Because let’s face it while Superwoman goes about saving the world, who on earth is saving her?

A better society requires universal condemnation of certain acts

Sometimes life requires a balanced approach, these are the times when it helps to look at the situation from several perspectives. In an argument for instance, people always feel that they are the party that's been wronged but if we all carry that conviction then it can't possibly be true for all of us, I've come to accept the saying that 'there are three sides to every story, your's, mine and the truth'. It leads to a more even approach to arguments between couples, siblings and friends.

As I watched an interview with Ingrid Betancourt recently I was reminded that there are certain absolutes in this world that should not require an analysis of one's perspective or even an attempt to understand where the person who carried out the act is coming from. In the interview, Betancourt refers to criticism that she faced while she was abducted, there were questions as to what she was doing in the particular place, whether her actions had played some part in FARC (the Revolutionary Armed Forces of Columbia) kidnapping her. She felt that there are certain times when the victims are criminalised and that we should not be questioning their motives but condemning the actions of the perpetrators. I agree wholeheartedly and I find it unsettling when society in a roundabout way suggests that victims play a part for the crime committed against them because of their actions or recklessness.
If we do not start on the premise of certain absolutes, we run the risk of living in a society where people do not have to take responsibility for their actions. The absolutes I refer to include outright condemnation or refusal of certain behaviour - Rape, domestic violence, violence against civilians among others. If we don't say with absolute conviction that there are never circumnstances in which a victim plays a role in these acts being committed then we risk sending mixed messages to would-be perpetrators. Oftentimes in cases of domestic violence, the victim is told by the perpetrator that they are to blame ....'Now look what you made me do.' As chilling as it sounds, there are many times when we hear that rape victims are partly to blame because of 'what she was wearing' or 'where he was at the time of the rape'. In doing so, we're telling rapists or domestic abusers that if certain circumstances arise, they are justified in behaving like animals. In such cases, we ignore that human restraint is one of the qualities that makes us unique; the fact that we can walk away from any situation, that we can use our intelligence to remove ourselves from a situation that may cause us to act in a dangerous way.
While I'm not suggesting that domestic abusers should be 'hanged', I do think that rehabilitation must begin with an acceptance that this particular behaviour is unacceptable under any circumstance. Even when reconciliation is possible, it should start with a mutual understanding that the act of physical abuse has no justification. It's fair to talk about why tempers flair and why couples are unable to communicate but in a completely different context to the abuse otherwise we risk excusing the behaviour by rationalizing it.
The only rationale should be that violence is unacceptable, that rape is unacceptable regardless!
I'm not suggesting that this is some kind of legal approach, thought I sometimes wish it were because within the Courts there are certain types of defence for all crimes regardless of their severity. I think it should be an ethical approach that we accept as a society without any qualifications. This is not to say that rehabilitation is not possible, a person who is domestically abusive may not necessarily be a monster although I'm less convinced of the rapist, but in order for them to 'move on' and ensure that the situation does not occur again they have to take full responsibility for their actions. This is not helped by the reports of women who drive their men to distraction as was the case of some reports on the popstar Rihanna after it emerged that her boyfriend Chris Brown had physically abused her. Likewise in the case of women who wear revealing clothes or comport themselves in an overtly sexual way, we're often told that this is an invitation to rape. This is not to say that verbal abuse or sexually provocative behaviour should not be addressed, but in order for us to all be clear that the message is that rape and domestic violence are unacceptable, these should be dealt with in a separate context. By all means counsel young girls about being safe when they're out and about the amount of alcohol they consume but do not attempt to link or analyse that behaviour when addressing the man who stands accused of rape. Likewise, suggest couples' therapy to the husband and wife who are having communication problems but do not include the incident of her hitting him in that discussion.
Violence whether sexual or physical are issues that require no debate in my opinion, there are no two sides to the story, they are wrong - period!

Learning to love Ms Knowles

Beyonce Knowles is an incredibly talented, hard working, beautiful black woman and as a black woman I should be proud of her, yet its taken me years of watching countless bio documentaries on E channel to learn to love this woman.
A few months ago I started wondering if it was me. I mean if the world loves her, surely millions of people can't be wrong. Why is it so hard for me embrace her beauty and talent? Could I possibly be consumed by the 'green-eyed monster'?
My husband and probably every man I've ever dated thinks of Beyonce Knowles as their ultimate fantasy so this could have something to do with it albeit on a subconscious level. I say subconscious because I'm quite comfortable in the knowledge that he will never have the opportunity to declare his undying love for her so what's there to worry about? Nonetheless whenever I've expressed my lack of enthusiasm for her and her music, I've been met with accusations of jealousy, especially by men. I've decided to put that down to the fact that a lot of men like to imagine that women are always jealous of each other and constantly feel threatened by other pretty women. Although female rivalry exists I will readily admit, it's not nearly as widespread as the over-active imaginations of the male species would suggest. Speaking for myself, I have always been surrounded by beautiful and talented women. I love the fact that my friends are just as or even more talented and/or beautiful than me, infact call me vain but I think good looking friends compliment me. Besides I'm  mature enough to know that a fabulous personality trumps good looks any day.

So after one too many accusations of being jealous of the gorgeous Ms Knowles, I decided to do some research. I started by thinking of other female stars that I adore and whose talents and beauty I would happily praise any day. I came up with Alicia Keys, Gabrielle Union, India Arie, Jill Scott, Chrisette Michelle, Kelly Rowland, Jennifer Hudson, Traci Ellis-Ross, Angie Stone...and so the list went on and on and on. All of these women I would consider as extremely brilliant at what they do, beautiful and sexy to boot.
Determined to get to the root of the problem, I started listening to her music. I found myself arguing about the strength of her voice with a friend of mine, I had never thought of her as having a big strong voice, one that is more powerful than Alicia Keys, yet when my friend argued convincingly I decided to pay closer attention to tracks like 'Listen' from the Dreamgirls soundtrack and Dangerously in Love. I had to concede that she did have a big voice but why hadn't I noticed before? Clearly something must have clouded my judgement.
As I listened to her songs which span a solo career of seven years, it began to make sense. I could barely pick out a handful that spoke to me. I either found them too frivolous a la 'Baby Boy' , 'Green light',  'Naughty Girl' or the abysmal 'Check on it' or I just didn't think they hit the nail like 'If I were a boy' which doesn't deliver the message of a male-dominated world half as effectively as Ciara's 'Like a boy'. When I watched her videos, I saw a whole lot of gyrating and very little dancing; I remember loving Janet Jackson's choreography and being wowed by Aaliyah on videos like 'Rock the boat' and then marvelling at Ciara's incredible flexibility in the video for 'My Goodies'. Beyonce's dancing doesn't come close to any of those artists in my opinion.
Next, I thought about her sense of style which I'll admit does not reflect who I am today. Perhaps it's simply an age thing and were I in my 20s, I may want to rush out and get my hands on some 'House of Dereon' hotpants. As a women in her 30s, I am inspired by the style of the likes of India Arie, Angela Bassett and Traci Ellis Ross. I often find Beyonce 'over done', whether it's the hair or the make up or the flesh exposed. Like I said, it may simply be an age thing.
By breaking down Beyonce's music and style, I realised that the dislike or let's call it indifference came from the fact that she did not reflect my personality. Although I'm happy to dance to meaningless music, I wouldn't buy a song that didn't speak to me. I also find it hard to reconcile the smart woman in me with women who are constantly 'selling sex' by bearing flesh and playing up their female 'assets'. Mariah Carey is an example of someone who, for all her vocal range, I have zero respect for. I believe women should be empowered enough to dress however they please but I also think it's important to strike a balance. If I enter a boardroom and want a group of male colleagues to pay attention to my ideas, I will not wear a low cut top and a tight mini skirt. If female artists constantly perform in skimpy clothes and spend time either showing their cleavage or their booty then clearly they are asking their audience to focus on those 'assets' primarily and exclusively in cases where their talent is not so obvious.
That being said, I still think it's important for me to like Beyonce because for all her 'ass shaking', scandalously skimpy clothes-wearing, she is an artist of incredible talents and humility. She is constantly thankful for the opportunities that she has been given in life. She is one of the most generous artists when it comes to giving to charity, helping women, children and vulnerable members of society. She is incredibly private and does not pander to the media like so many of her peers. She takes her art very seriously and gives a 100% one hundred percent of the time. She is a performer of equal calibre to Michael Jackson; always striving to wow their fans. No amount of falling on stage or broken shoe heels will stop this woman from giving a fun-filled energetic performance. For those reasons I think she is special and deserves my admiration. I can't say I will buy her albums, or let my daughter watch her videos but she does have my respect, from one resilient, doggedly determined black woman to another.

Why is networking so hard when it's not social?

I remember when networking was  the buzz word for new graduates. There were career fairs galore and final year students would be advised to attend all of them and to network. It was certainly an exciting time and most of us being young and naive, believed that all we had to do was to wow the HR director from Freshfields or any other top Law firm and the job would be our's. Some of the go-getters even went further and ensured that they were only friends with those they felt were going places, it was all about securing your future. So rubbing shoulders with the Oxbridge graduate who was heading for the top city law firm meant that some of their success would rub off on you too. I confess that I was one of the ones who paid little attention, although I knew I wanted to be successful in whatever I did, I realised even then that I wouldn't find happiness or peace of mind at these top commercial law firms and as such I opted out of what I considered the painful exercise of networking. I say painful because it was the employer's market then and is probably even more so now, therefore they could have their pick of the cream of the class and would either dismiss the rest or worse still patronise them with comments like 'You're very bright and I wish you all the best in finding a training contract' - read 'You're not smart enough but we are completely out of your league'. You had to be extremely thick-skinned to not realise then and there, even before knowing your results that you had as much chance of getting on their trainee programmes as you did of being discovered on the streets as the next Naomi Campbell.
Having entered the workforce and found my way into the international civil service, I began to realise the value of networking however inadvertent. It was less about telling potential employers that you were open to offers and more about making the right impression with people knowing that you could never be sure when your paths may cross in the future. I tried to live by the motto 'Don't burn your bridges.'
Having joined the 'professional' networking site Linked In - and spent the first few months with a bland profile, I thought it was time to update the 'about me' section and reacquaint myself with those key contacts I'd made over the years. The reactions were unexpected - ex colleagues were happy to touch base and catch up personal news, the new baby, new house, new town and even a new job but then when it came to something more concrete like trying to introduce friends to old and useful contacts, people seemed more reluctant and almost put out. I noticed a familiar unease which I had found when I worked as a consultant years ago in New York - everyone assumes you're looking for the next contract so you can become something of a pariah.
Most people were almost possessive about the organisation they work for; some gave the impression that you had just asked them to slip you a £50 note or to give you a room to sleep. General banter would be met with immediate replies; the more concrete stuff like asking people if they know of opportunities or good contacts for a highly qualified friend looking for a job - would be met with an uncomfortable silence or evasion. I recognise that people sometimes feel as though they are not in a position to influence a recruitment process and far from wanting them to hand people a job on a platter, what I believe the networking exercise is designed to do, is simply broaden your scope as a jobseeker. There is always someone who knows someone who might be looking for someone, so how better to make that 3rd degree connection than with a simple introduction.
I must confess I do judge people who are guarded and who do feel put out by professional networking because I think we all need to acknowledge that we've been given a hand at some point. None of us were born experienced project managers, human rights officers or economists, someone had to give us the break which made all the difference.
As a woman networking in the East and West African countries where I've worked, has been largely about stroking the egos of powerful businessmen or government officials in the hope that they will sign on the dotted line without you having to compromise your education, intelligence and experience. It can be frustrating and at times humiliating because you wonder why your Masters degree counts for so little and why you have to resort to the same feminine wiles your mother and grandmother had to use.
In the West, networking can be even tougher because the competition tends to be fiercer. The window of opportunity to impress on paper and in person can last from a few seconds to a few minutes at most. It can be endlessly tedious trying to think of clever ways to say that you are the best person for the job because you are the smartest one they've probably seen and let's face it you can probably do this job with your eyes closed. A lot of employers tend to take on people who have the gift of the gab but often fail to deliver when they start the job they so cleverly campaigned for.
And yes it is still an employer's market so we have to play nice and expand our professional networks with a view of securing that little extra, that edge that you hope will make a difference. It can be even more of a minefield when so many people are uncomfortable with professional networking and feel inclined to act as though you had an empty begging bowl outstretched.
I'd like to think I've come to acknowledge the importance of expanding one's network, regardless of your position, short of handing someone your job, there is no reason why we cant give useful and impartial advice. Whilst I can't guarantee you'll get the job, if I can atleast give you some useful information or willing contacts who knows what he outcome will be. What's more we live in a time of such professional uncertainty that the jobseeker of today could end up being the recruiter of tomorrow and then you may feel some relief that you did the art of professional networking such justice.

Fun, happy go lucky black female seeking best friend

I bumped into an old uni friend the other day and aside from making a mental note that she looked quite good, albeit heavily made-up, our encounter left me a little green and questioning my social skills if not know, certainly back then when I was young and perhaps a little foolish. This self-consciousness came about because I asked after some old mutual friends of ours and was surprised to hear that she was still in touch with all of them. She then asked me if I was in touch with anyone from university which admittedly happened over 10 years ago and my response was a shameful No. In my defence, I added, it was because I had spent 10 years out of this country, working abroad and discovering life. Yet still there was an awkward silence probably brought on by the fact that even I had to admit in my head at least, that the real reason wasn't my absence but my inability to maintain friends from university.

I can honestly say though that I loved my uni days, had a blast, I made President of the African Caribbean society (ACS) in my first year which was quite an achievement for a fresher and organised all sorts of social activities including a trip to Paris with other UK university ACS members. I'd like to think I got on well with people and had a wide cross section of friends. However, somehow, disastrously I managed to ostracise four so-called friends including this chance encounter before university ended and my close group of friends were no more. Fortunately for me and my social life, I had made friends from other circles, so I wasn’t left feeling like a 'Betty No-mate' but this fall out definitely left me wondering if I was to blame.

As the premise goes, ‘there’s no smoke without fire’ so I had to admit to myself that I must have been to blame; after all, they can't all be wrong, can they? It was surely my bossy overbearing self that caused the problems? To be fair, the animosity was only felt by these four friends all of whom made it clear that they thought I had grown too big for my own ‘fresher’ boots. Nonetheless, instead of putting it down to a difference of opinion that should not reflect on my self-confidence, I think the experience ended up having far reaching consequences throughout my life.

Fast forward 10 years later and although I've travelled and met my closest friends in the world, I still feel as though there is no one person or two people for that matter that I can refer to as my best friend/s. Although this shouldn't make me feel inadequate as I am now a grown woman, with a husband, children, close family and friends, it somehow does. I love, in fact I adore my girlfriends and cherish the times we spend together but each one of them has someone they refer to as a best friend and for the most part this is someone they have known since childhood or at the very least since their time at university. I, on the other hand have made friends along the way, the closest ones being those I made during my stint in Uganda, yet none that I refer to explicitly as my best friend. This is not to say that I can't pick up the phone and call them when I choose or that we don’t make time for each other, there is nothing aside from the title that I lack in my close friends but I can’t helped but be filled with regrets that there is no one person that I share that extra special bond with. I couldn't say what it is as I haven't experienced it, at least not since primary school and perhaps it is more a figment of my imagination and reflection of my inadequacies than anything else. Yet the more elusive the character of a best friend is, the more compelled I feel to turn back the clocks and find one I can claim as my own.

I imagine this problem may be a purely feminine one or granted a 'me' one - but I think if we're honest with ourselves, we can all identify with the allure of a best friend. I don’t mean the kind you refer to your husband or wife as; rather the kind who knows you inside out and shared all your dreams and aspirations when you were young. The kind of friend that can give a speech at your wedding and talk about what you did when you were children and the promises you made to each other. How can this kind of relationship not be a source of envy to those of us who've forged bonds later in life? Best friends not only act as one's security in life in that they are steadfast but they also remind us that we are good people and capable of being loved. They remind us that we functioned well as children and have grown up to be adults who consider the feeling of others and who others want to be around. In short best friends validate us.

I have no idea what life would have been like had I remained best friends with the four girls from university, I suspect I am not worse off for it, having had a varied and very rich life so far, filled with fun and an array of friends. Rather than lament my lack of a best friend, I perhaps need to celebrate my many many better friends who allow me to be myself, warts and all and without whom my life would be a lot less enjoyable.

Is there such a thing as Facebook etiquette?

Although I’ve been a Facebook user ever since I received my first ‘please join Facebook and add me as your friend’ invitation, I can relate completely to those who choose not to join the social network. Admittedly I also admire their resilience especially as the social network now boasts over 400 million users and counting, and that 90% of their friends and family are already avid users. It takes some courage to keep saying no to invitations even though your curiosity is trying to get the better of you. I mean let’s face it who doesn’t love to look at people’s photos, see how they’re doing in life, scrutinise the background behind their children’s pictures – frown at the site of the fabric they choose for their curtains or at the amount of weight they’ve put on since we last saw them. Worse still that their wedding cake was a little tacky and their groom looked a little ‘mature’ and just a bit portly. We love it and probably do it more often than we’d care to admit. It takes a brave person to resist that kind of temptation and I am happy to put my hand up and say I am not that person. Nonetheless I have been recently contemplating leaving my Facebook account with its 134 friends (who I constantly have to cull to keep at a manageable number) and various notes which I’ve written, photo albums mostly featuring my children, yes I admit I’m one of those doting unbearable parents who thinks everyone wants to see pictures of their children aged 1-16. I have seriously thought about giving it all up so that I can exercise my freedom of speech once again which I am convinced is killed off by the yet unwritten but well known Facebook etiquette.

Let me explain: as you trawl through your ‘friends’ and their updated statuses boasting about their new homes, holidays, their undying love for their husbands and children, the latest party they went to, food they ate and their various achievements be-it professional or otherwise, you are more than a little inclined to comment. Now if like me you tend not to suffer fools in real life, you would ordinarily want to impart these same principles in cyberspace. For instance if someone, friend or acquaintance walked up to me and said how lucky they were to have been on the most fantastic holiday with their spouse who they had undying love for, my instant reaction would be to say ‘That’s nice for you’ and walk off. It’s not that I don’t love a good holiday story, in fact travelling is still my passion even though I don’t get to indulge as much as I’d like to, it’s all about the way you tell the story. Rather than telling you about a new country and its beauty, and recommend that you visit it (recommendations from Facebook friends are my personal favourite), what Facebook User no. 57,860 is doing is showing off. And let’s face it nobody likes a show off do they? Likewise I don’t want to hear stories about your issues – if you have money problems, your boyfriend has dumped you or you’ve recently discovered that your husband is having a cyber affair then please keep it to yourself – anything that you wouldn’t disclose to anyone other than close friends in real life should remain off your Facebook status in my humble opinion.

There are also those who do battle with their ‘friends’ on their status, declaring things like - ‘I’m stronger than all the Haters’ or my personal favourite - ‘those who thought they could break me, sorry to disappoint you’. Well, aside from rolling my eyes, I’m inclined to suggest these ‘hard nuts’ try not to take the saying ‘Keep your friends close and your enemies closer’ too literally. Why on earth would you give someone who you dislike or who dislikes you access to your personal information, thoughts, photos etc? Surely it would be much simpler to delete the ‘haters’ than to tell them in a vague and not even mildly threatening way that you are ready to ‘take them on’. Is this some form of passive aggression?

The difficulty I have with these types of status is the response they elicit – people seem to be constantly stroking each other’s ego. Is that really what ‘friends’ are for? The response to ‘My son has just been named the most gifted and talented child in his school’ meets with ‘oh wow, what a genius you gave birth to’ when really what you want to/should say is ‘Get a real hobby you pushy mum!’. Likewise the ‘I just got back from a fabulous holiday in Bali’ meets with ‘Lucky you, I wish I was there’ when really what you want to/should say is more like ‘I bet you missed your Facebook friends to gloat to didn’t you?’. Although I’m not bold enough to say some of these things, I can’t help but wish someone would be crazy enough to post a similarly brutally frank response. Now, I’m not suggesting for a minute that I don’t talk about my ‘social exploits’ – partying till late is a huge achievement for the boring old woman I’ve become so yes I will update my Facebook when I manage to stay awake at a party until the wee hours of the morning. Likewise if I enjoy something I will definitely recommend it to friends but I guess its all about moderation. If you can look at your status updates over a period of time and see only evidence of your ‘achievements’ and your life deemed fabulous by none other than yourself, then perhaps you are one of the users I’m talking about. If on the other hand you manage to balance the showing off with things that interest people other than you then you probably class as a well-rounded Facebook user and the type of person I’d happily befriend. Unfortunately more and more people seem to fall in the other category and make me lament staying on Facebook, I mean aren’t we politically correct enough in real life without having to endure so-called friends and their odd narcissistic ways in the name of Facebook etiquette?

This brings me on to the definition of ‘friends’ in the social networking world. Now I put my hand up and admit that indeed some of the people listed on my Facebook aren’t my friends in the Oxford dictionary sense of the word; they may be siblings/partners/friends of friends but I’m happy to keep them on my friends list as long as I find them engaging. I draw the line however at parents of friends, period, no matter how fun and ‘whacky’ they are, yes call me ageist but I’d rather not learn from my mother or aunt that ‘Aunty so and so’ thought my photos taken at a random party were a little risqué for a woman my age. The in-laws and ex boyfriends are also a tricky category; as a general rule I would say ‘avoid’ but if they’re harmless enough and don’t judge you or report back to your spouse when a friend of the opposite sex ‘pokes’ you or in the case of the exes start reminiscing about your defunct relationship, on your wall no less, then I guess they can stay. I also tend not befriend friends of friends who I have little in common with and find not even remotely interesting because what’s the point…no really, what is the point of that ‘friendship’?

My director recently scoffed when I declared in the office for all to hear that I didn’t think having colleagues on your Facebook was a good idea. She then teased saying she’d have to see about that, to which I responded ‘You’d have to find me first’ because of course as some of you more discernable Facebook users know, it is entirely possible to make your name unsearchable and your profile visible only to your friends. I am a firm believer in separating work life from personal life and within that personal life I think there should also be a certain level of privacy and privileged disclosure. I can count on one hand, okay perhaps two who my closest friends that I would happily divulge certain pieces of information about my life to. There are others who I think we can interact with on a ‘networking’ level because we share common interests. In between are the majority who we used to know, used to go to school with and have found thanks to a Facebook friend name search and although we’ve become re-acquainted, almost wish we hadn’t. I’ve been known to cull friends on a periodic basis because often the initial excitement of being in touch with a long lost ‘friend’ has worn off and I realise that it’s best if we spend another decade out of touch with each other. That way we can act surprised and feign delight when we bump into each other at the school reunion. On my culling list are also the spectators who quite happily observe others’ activities, scrutinise their photos, read their postings and contribute little or nothing themselves. I appreciate it may be because they have nothing to say or simply that they’re guarded, in my fiercely honest opinion though, whether it’s the former or the latter, they too need to be deleted.

I’m hoping that in a few months, perhaps a year’s time if I’m still one of the half a billion users, my Facebook will include real friends and interesting acquaintances who I can be brutally honest with when their showing off gets too much or when I get tired of seeing the 3976th picture of their newborn child. I suspect that day will see me having much fewer than the 134 friends currently residing in my Facebook space which may not be such a bad thing.