I choose Happy!

I have been silent for some months, not because I've not been writing, but because I haven't been finishing. I realise this is an issue for many writers - dare I call myself one - but I also realise in the relatively fast paced world of blogging, you just have to overcome the tendency to want each post to be perfect and commit to finishing and posting.
So this one will be a relatively short and unedited one - rest assured though that it comes straight from the heart. No fact checks necessary, no cross-references, source quotes - just me and my words.

I wanted to start 2014 on a happy note so I resolved to post about turning 40 towards the end of 2013 and deciding that this year will simply be about happiness. I think I'm one of those people who constantly search their soul - much as I hate to admit it, I think it stems from being extremely judgemental of others, and being reminded of a wise friend who once asked me (with good reason) who I thought I was to be judging others so harshly. So I ask the question of myself constantly - who am I to judge? What lessons have I learned in life? What am I 'bringing to the table'?
I recall last year thinking that I wanted to be a "Girl on Fire" - to do more, achieve more, be the best of who I could be. I think I did a pretty good job, I got more involved in charity work than I'd been for a while. I tried to work harder and write more and focus on ticking off the thousand and one things on my to-do list. It was a fast-paced year, to say the least. But now I'm ready to slow down.

I'd like to think that reaching my fourth decade on this earth gave me a little perspective. I realise that life is so much simpler than many of us realise. We have the ultimate power to choose how we want to go about it - and I believe the greatest gift we can give ourselves is to make a choice to be happy. If that sounds a little too simplistic....it's because it is. Whatever life throws at you, as hard as it can be oftentimes, whatever disappointments you face, ultimately you get to decide how you're going to deal with it.

So I choose "Happy". And my happy is less about posting inspirational quotes on my various social network profiles and more about making a concerted effort to just be that....happy! To judge less, expect less and be pleasantly surprised when I receive more....to realise that no matter what life throws at me I have the power to decide how I am going to let it affect me.

I love life! I am grateful for life! I cherish my family and my friends! I love what I do to make a living! Even with all my failings, my mistakes, my perceived disasters..I would not have my life any other way. I am on this earth and alive.....I have decided that I will happy with my choices, with my trials and with my triumphs!! Now excuse me for a few minutes while I get down to my new musical anthem.

Black woman seeks white man for promotion of marriage among her race

Yes, I know the title of this post sounds absurd doesn't it but that's precisely what a black male author is suggesting in a recently published article in the Wall Street Journal entitled An interracial fix for black marriage. It was forwarded to me by a friend who happens to be black and also happens to be married to a white man. She and I have had this discussion about black women dating outside their race a number of times in particular following advice from her older African-American aunt who pronounced to us, then single black women in our late 20s that when it comes to most black men "they either gay or they in jail".

Now I agree with the core argument made by author, i.e. 'black women should not just limit themselves to black men' but unlike the author I don't believe this will in some way promote marriage within the black community, it's simply put - a numbers game. There are more 'available' black women than there are black men so unless you're willing to share....there just wont be enough to go around. I confess I've never been great at maths but it seems like a no-brainer to me.

Admittedly I haven't always held this view but as I've gotten older and I'd like to think wiser, I changed my tack regarding the dating game in part because I realised that relationships really do not have to be that complicated. I know a number of couples who on paper would seem incompatible because of their different cultural backgrounds but in reality end up having more in common with each other than with their so-called ideal match. Also what makes couples click is far less tangible than a country, ethnicity or a language; if it were simply about finding someone from the same culture as you surely there would be fewer divorces within specific communities. We could all marry the son of our parents' friends and be done with - same educational background, same cultural values etc etc....but ofcourse marriage isn't science. This is where again I disagree with the article's suggestion that black women would do better marrying someone who is as educated and as accomplished as them; in my humble opinion two high powered professionals do not a long-lasting and happy marriage guarantee ....but let's leave that for another discussion.

Back to the whole lack of eligible black men debate that we've heard all too often, It's important to also put this article into context, the statistics cited by the author are particular to the USA though I would concede that they are no doubt similar to those in the UK, however in Africa and I suspect the Caribbean, a successful and eligible black man is far from becoming an endangered species. In countries where black people are not a minority, the question of finding successful black men rarely arises because all the lawyers, doctors, accountants, bankers, politicians are black and I would dare to add, they outnumber the women. So it is a given that if you're educated, you will find a black man who is as, if not more educated than you. Granted if you live in the UK or the USA, this fact doesn't really help you much which is why I agree that as successful black women we should think outside the box but not only to date men from other races but to also date men from other walks of life. Personally I don't see why Love should come with a degree or a six figure salary and I'm sure we can all attest to knowing high-powered couples who look fantastic on paper but are as miserable as hell in real life. The values we should be promoting are mutual respect and love not his and hers mercs and sizeable investment portfolios.

All this being said, I have to add that I do sympathise with black women who find it hard to date outside their race because I think sometimes it's as simple as who you find physically attractive and many simply feel they are not attracted to white men. However I still think we should be careful of convincing ourselves of such absolutes because even though we think we're not attracted to the white men we see everyday, how many of us will turn down an offer from George Clooney or Robin Thicke or Matthew McConaughey or the gorgeous Jason Lewis? My theory is, if we can drool at the fine white men on our screens then surely that means we don't find all white men unattractive.

Last night I watched Something New with Sanaa Lathan who stars opposite some fine white man whose name I forget, and thought it dealt with some interesting questions regarding interracial relationships. In one scene Sanaa Lathan's character complains to her white boyfriend (the hot one) about not being able to talk to him about the pressures she faces as a black woman in a professional environment on a daily basis. She makes reference to the African-American expression 'black tax' which refers to black people having to work twice as hard in order to achieve the same thing as their white counterpart. Something which her boyfriend understandably had never heard of. Although glossed over, for me this raised an interesting issue that could have been further explored, i.e. how do our partners from different cultures deal with similar problems that are real for us but that they will never experience. But while issues of racism and discrimination are real for a number of people from minority groups, it need not be our daily mantra. Yes it may happen, and yes we will find ways to deal with it. If our partner, be he white, black or green is compassionate enough, he will lend an ear while we rant about the boss who double-checked our work simply because...or was quick to point out how 'well' we speak as though this were not expected. I also think that a lack of empathy can happen even within our own race. I have friends who are often frustrated with their husbands (from the same race) because they feel they just need someone to listen while they complain about discrimination issues at work or the supermarket or the kids' school. Yet for many of these men, every problem has to have a solution, this business of just talking for the sake of it, airing your grievances just doesn't make sense to them. As a result they are no more sympathetic to stories of perceived or real discrimination that we just want to 'discuss', than they would be if they were white.

So Mr. Ralph Richard Banks while I agree with your core proposition, i.e. black women please be open to dating outside your race, I don't agree it should be done for the 'Greater Good' unless ofcourse that greater good is You + A loving partner + A happy life.

If I see one more ‘woe is the single woman’ article…..

I’ve just read three articles dealing with the woes of being a single woman, the first written by a single woman who spends the entire article talking about how much of an over-achiever she is, apparently with the pedigree of an Arabian thoroughbred, only to finish pathetically dreaming of a ‘found glass slipper’ and a kiss to awake her from her slumber, dreams that apparently get her through life’s drudgery.


Article no 2 is written by an expert in getting married, having done it (albeit unsuccessfully) three times, she feels qualified to tell single women what they’re doing wrong. Essentially, it’s all about changing who you are so you can achieve the wonderful state of matrimony.

The final which I’ll admit I couldn’t bear to finish reading was about the lack of single men in New York but again the crux of the argument was that you dear single female reader are the problem….the sole reason why you are still unhappily single.

First of all let me say that I’m not single but I’m hoping you’ll be willing to hear me out before making a decision about my credibility on the issue of singledom. It might help you to know that I’m not a ‘smug married’ and I was raised by two, no three single women. First my grandmother, then my aunt and finally my mother. All formidable women who just got on with the business of life and raising children with the help of their extended family

Now, I don’t know exactly where it started but some, no make that a lot of women have managed to convince themselves that being single is some kind of a curse. Perhaps a male-dominated society has been telling them this for so long that they’re starting to believe it. Or maybe it’s their smug married female friends who are often so miserable in their own lives that they like to pretend they are somehow better off. Trust me they’re not!

I know I’m not saying anything new but I feel that it needs to be said on this 8th day of March 2011, International Women’s day – Ladies you can be single and happy!!! There are good marriages and bad marriages, likewise single life can be fulfilling or it can be lonely as hell. The advantage is that as a singleton you get to choose whether you’ll lead a life that makes you happy whereas to be married and happy depends on your spouse not being an arsehole!

While I enjoy being married, I recognise that it’s not for everyone. Marriage is an institution that requires an enormous amount of sacrifice/compromise and in my experience and those of my friends, the wife is the one who does most of the compromising/sacrificing. There are no doubt exceptions to the rule but the fact that a majority of women have to give up their surname and identity to take on their husbands should already ring alarm bells that ‘ain’t nothing equal about this set-up’. Also it may be as a result of our disposition as women, and again I speak for myself and the 80 or so married women I know, but we tend to just get on with what needs to be done and that ends up meaning doing everything ourselves. We become primary carers of our children, which often means professional compromise; we take on the lion share of the housework and we comport ourselves in public like ‘married women’. This means most of us lose the male friends we once had because we are acutely aware of what is expected of us as ‘wives’. Our husbands on the other hand have flourishing careers, supportive wives, cared-for children and homes that they can happily come back to at the end of a long day at work followed by nights hanging with the boys or girls. For all intents and purposes there is nothing, other than the ring that would suggest that their status has changed.
Before you get the picture of a gloom and doom marriage, let me attempt to qualify this though by saying what you give up on the one hand you gain on the other. There’s the wonderful feeling of being with the man you love (I’m making an assumption here of course that people marry for love); marriage also means someone to have sex with when you choose and how you choose, with or without the end result of children and last but by no means least companionship.

As a single woman the greatest benefit is freedom, to do, to be, to go without having to answer to anyone and although society would have us believe that women are incapable of enjoying sexual freedom apparently because of some hormone called oxytocin , I can say with absolute certainty that this is not true for every woman. Admittedly not everyone is liberated enough to pursue or enjoy sex outside of a committed relationship, those who do, do exist and are increasing in numbers so long live the female sexual revolution! Being single also means absolute selfishness, taking care of numero uno, guilt-free shopping and countless hours beautifying yourself without fear of being judged by a hardworking husband/breadwinner.

Granted we’ve seen enough Hollywood chick flicks and read enough ‘self-help’ articles to be able to list the drawbacks of being a single woman and even name the films that illustrate them; from ‘27 dresses’ to ‘The Back up Plan’, ‘He’s just not that into you’, and who can forget the dreadful ‘The Ugly Truth’. The gamut includes the date dilemma for a friend’s wedding, the realisation that all your friends are settling down, the desire to get pregnant and of course good ole plain loneliness. Without wishing to trivialise these issues, I think that the anxieties that come from them are for the most part self-inflicted.

We can choose to be happy and single. We can choose to go to a wedding alone or with a friend, male or female. Likewise we can decide to have children outside of wedlock or to adopt and finally why not opt out of loneliness? We can choose not to be lonely with or without a partner. Why allow society to define what happiness means for you when we are all so different? In fact I’m convinced that it’s all a ploy by men to lure us into marriage by convincing us that we want it more than they do….when in actual fact, they need it far more than we do. Single women need to take what their married peers say with a pinch of salt, yes of course they’re happy some of the time but then so are you! The rest of the time you struggle with various issues ranging from professional to personal. They likewise struggle with issues of inadequacy….am I sexy enough? Is he looking at other women? Are my children happy/well-balanced? We all have our issues….'local and global’ as a friend would say so let’s all stop pretending that marriage provides some sort of a catch-all solution.

There are times when I refer to myself as a single woman, partly because I forget that I’m married, partly because I think my subconscious is trying to preserve my identity in this ‘institution’. I love being married because I’m with the man I love but I wouldn’t chose marriage just for the sake of it and I sincerely doubt I would do it again with someone else.

No doubt being single comes with difficulties and the grass is always going to appear greener on the other side but from someone who is on the other side, let me assure you that it isn’t. No matter how ‘loved up’ you are, marriage is hard work and a constant battle of wills.

By all means aspire to it if that’s what you want but it helps to know that there are women like my mother, aunt and late grandmother, who were/are perfectly happy single and had/have very fulfilled lives.

Wouldn’t it be a testament to how far we’ve come as women to have more and more women happily embrace being single and telling the self-styled relationship gurus to stick their ‘how to get married in 30 days’ advice where the sun doesn’t shine?

Today, I’ve decided to raise a glass to my fabulous single female friends – long and happily may you live!!!!

Act your age!

I once tried to explain why a friend of mine in his early 40s had never had never had a proper job - I reasoned that he had spent a number of years travelling, partying and woke up one day to find that he had turned 40. The response as you can imagine was 'You don't just wake up and find that you're 40 years old' A baffled listener added ' He had four decades to prepare for it'. Now when I think back perhaps my explanation wasn't the best but I still maintain that it is possible. The fact is the years really do creep up on you and there is nothing to prepare you for it, one minute you're 15 and thinking of your 35 year old Aunty as ancient, the next minute you're 35 and talking to a 15 year old who thinks you're ancient. Really it's a quick as that, no warning, no signs and if you have good genes your skin at 40 may be as firm as it was when you finished college, but alas you are no longer young and the worse part is that you have to adjust to it and are expected to know what to do and most importantly what not to do!
I accept that for most of us, life happens in easily identifiable stages which may be for instance the 'socially acceptable' path  of - studies-career-marriage-family. Therefore the presumption is that by the time you get married, your party days are dying a natural death so that when the sprogs pop out you're quite happy to sit in front of the telly after an exhausting day chasing after them. At this point a night out which is rare, is a quiet meal in a lovely restaurant that's not too noisy or crowded. The thought of a night club, loud music and a sweaty crowd leaves you hyperventilating.
But what happens if you opt out of the marriage and family thing, your career progression may well be the factor that reflect your years, but the reality is that life may not be remarkably different in your 30s than it was in your 20s. Perhaps there's a bigger job title and pay packet but your energy levels could still be the same, give or take a few hours of dancing. This is where I think life becomes tricky and the case for a 'Getting Older Manual' convincing.
Taking myself as a case study - I will be hitting my 'middle age' in a few years time and although I no longer want to go clubbing as much as I did in my 20s, I'd be lying if I said I didn't enjoy the occasional party. I still love to dance to songs like Passout even though I know me singing or jumping about will be met with a look of disapproval from my 11 year old neice who thinks I should act my age and not my size 6 shoe size. And yes I know at my age I'm probably not supposed to know all the words to Only Girl and have a desire to belt out a song by a girl who is more than a decade younger than me, but the truth is I do. I not only want to sing it out loud but I get the urge to twirl around and shake my head 'rave-style' too. And before you ask me to sit down and act like the grown woman I am, spare a thought for people like me whose minds are clearly out of sync with their biological age. I know that a lot of my peers once they reach a certain age whip out their foral prints and 'sensible' shoes but does that mean I have to? I mean if at 40 a woman has the body for it then why can't she rock her short shorts or harem pants? Am I still mutton dressed as lamb if I look as young as my 25 year old colleague?

The truth is we are an aging population, we're living longer and I would argue, judging from friends and family around me, looking younger for longer. Therefore life and society have to be accomodating or alternatively make it clear to us at what point we have to change the way we behave. Is it when we turn 30 or 35 or perhaps it's 40 - who knows and how is the distinction made anyway? I know many of us have sniggered at the sight of a man with a pot belly wearing ripped jeans and a so-called cool retro t-shirt but I think what makes him laughable is less his age and more the bags under his eyes and that awful pot belly. This is where I think the rule can be simplified - if your body screams middle age, then you should dress and act accordingly. If however Mother Nature has been kind to you then why not flaunt it?

It may be wise to ease up on the raves or queuing up outside a nightclub in a tight mini skirt and platforms that are bound to give you bunions but if you're invited to a house party why not go and have a blast especially now that you're 40something and the children are away at Uni. Life really should begin at 40!

For the sake of my neice I have decided to refrain from dancing to house music in public but I fully intend to shake my moneymaker in the privacy of my home with the volume on full as Choice FM plays my favourite bashment tunes.
Ask me again how I feel about 'acting young' in 5 years time; at that point I may completely grasp what is expected of me, and may take no interest in popular culture, I may even describe my children's music as noise. Although I seriously doubt it. I will however make a concerted effort not to embarass them in public. I can't promise to change my favourite dance move to a 'middle-aged side step' but you wont catch me doing the head shoulders knees and toes dance either....unless ofcourse you're visiting me at home.

Lie back and think of your friends

Over the summer there was a study carried out that found divorce among friends can be contagious; apparently the effect known as divorce clustering means that there is a 75% chance of divorce among couples whose friends have split http://www.guardian.co.uk/lifeandstyle/2010/jul/04/divorce-friends-contagious-academic-study . Scary stuff and although I’m relieved to say that I cannot attest to its accuracy having witnessed a few separations in my social circle this year, I can nonetheless see how my friends’ relationship breakdowns have had an adverse effect on me and my relationship.

Perhaps this says a lot about me but I often find that if I spend time with a friend who pours her heart out about a bad relationship, the tendency is for me to empathise so much that I will pick a fight with my husband when I get home. It’s not necessarily a conscious thing, it just always seems to work out that way, and it may be because I am over-thinking all the reasons why my partner is no better than my friend’s. I may be alone in experiencing this although I doubt it. I suspect it’s simply human nature for us to empathise with other people, especially those we care about, rather than sit back and gloat (a la Chanté Moore in her song “Chante’s got a man”). Admittedly the empathy is taken to the extent of trying to find fault with our own relationships.

It probably makes sense to show concern for my friends’ well-being but there is also an indirect personal loss that you feel following a friend’s divorce or separation. For starters, there is a perceived threat to the tight-nit social circle that we cherish so much. There’s a question of who will take which side, will the newly separated couple still be invited to social events and what if they want to bring new partners? The breakdown also calls into question the strength of our own relationships and although this is a very selfish reason for feeling sad or angry when someone else is clearly going through emotional turmoil that is valid, it doesn’t make our feelings any less real. While sympathising with my friend, I simultaneously think but if it could happen to them, then it could happen to me. There were no obvious signs in their relationships, they seemed as happy as anyone else and had known their partners and been married for even longer.

On two occasions this year when the marriages of some of my friends broke down I felt saddened. I also felt very angry at their partners for giving up so easily and if I’m honest In a way I also mourned the end of the status quo although I know for a fact that change per se is not the issue. I know this because when a friend gets a new job in a different country I’m filled with excitement rather than dread. What worries me with separations is the knock on effect of divorce on everyone, their family, their children, and for many women in their 30s and older, I worry about their dating prospects. It’s a harsh reality whether we want to admit it or not. I now see the merits in the advice of older African parents which was provided he does not mistreat you physically; you should be able to work out everything else. I would extend that to as long as he doesn’t abuse you emotionally or physically then you should try and work things out if you’re both committed. In short I’m saying be practical. I know some would say that’s rich coming from someone who is happy, who did marry for love but I think I can put my hand on my heart and say that although I married for those reasons, I stay married for reasons that are far more grounded. I couldn’t say what would happen if I did fall out of love or felt unhappy but I know for a fact that feelings fluctuate. I was encouraging a male friend to settle down this summer; I started by telling him that the coup de foudre (love at first sight) was highly overrated. I gave the example of a guy I had dated who I spent the first few days not wanting to be separated from; we would stay up all night talking and making each other laugh. I was convinced that was It. Then one day I woke up and saw him in a completely different light. I don’t know what happened, I don’t understand when or how it happened but I suddenly looked at him and thought, wow aren’t you dull. It was an incredibly sobering experience because I went from ‘I can’t live without you’ to ‘I really need to get away from you’. It saddened me somewhat but I couldn’t help myself and so I moved on. I have no idea what would have happened had I given our relationship time to get back to what it was or tried to find what I saw in him in the first place. A few boyfriends later, I realised that I had to temper my excitement with a huge dose of realism and practicality especially when family and children and dare I add friends all have a stake in the success of my relationship/marriage.

The last thing you think about when agonising about whether to break up with someone who may have once been the love of your life, is what will my friends think or how will they feel? I know it may be a bit of a stretch to ask people to think this way but I do think it’s not too much to ask for people to consider those who will realistically be caught in the crossfire – the kids, the parents, the in-laws. As we acquire more, more freedom, more knowledge, more options, we also become increasingly hedonistic. We’re often unwilling to make sacrifices or compromise because we feel we’ve earned the right to put ourselves first. That’s all well and good but whatever choices you make in life, you will end up having to live with for the rest of your life so if there is a shadow of a doubt that you may wrong or simply having a moment of capriciousness, then surely you owe it to yourself and those who love you to stop and think before causing irreparable damage.

Life = Pushing yourself

I guess it must be human nature to avoid difficult things; we generally prefer to take the easy road because frankly who likes failure. So the result is that we go through life doing what we’re good at and being content to give ourselves a pat on the back when we live up to our own expectations. When it comes to exercise, I think I definitely into this category so when I may gym instructor, Rhona decided to set me the challenge of doing a 5k run, I nearly told her to get the *bleep* out of here. Fortunately for me and no doubt for her too, I didn’t –as she convinced me that she believed I could do it and that all I needed was a few weeks training, I thought long and hard and by the end of her sales pitch, my response was ‘Why not?’

I’ve always enjoyed going to gym but never ran or thought about running, in my mind I couldn’t do it but I really did admire people who ran on the treadmill. I had somehow convinced myself that my asthma prevented me from doing high impact cardio exercises. So I spent years in the gym using the cross trainer and power walking but never got round to the run or even the jog. She gave me a printed training programme for doing the run – it started with a 1 minute walk and 1 minute run which is repeated five times for 10 minutes. The programme gradually builds up week by week until you’re able to run for 10, 15 then 30 minutes without a break. I started following it and initially thought that there was no way I could learn to run for 5 minutes without stopping let alone 10 or 15 but I decided to stick to it largely because a big part of me does not like to let people down. I had promised Rhona that I would do it and I was going to keep to my promise.

Week one was probably the hardest but it gradually got easier and I started to really enjoy running, it also helped me to lose weight and tone up and oddly enough when I had overeaten or felt bloated, I just had to run and I would feel so much better.

It took me three months of training but I went from not being able to run for one minute to running for 40 minutes for a 5k charity run which I did last Sunday. I was amazed at my ability to do something that was completely outside my comfort zone and if nothing else, this experience has taught me that life is about setting challenges. There really is no point coasting through it because you miss out on so much. Our potential is huge; bigger than any of us realise and life’s challenges are what make us realise what we are truly capable of. The road less travelled is also so much more rewarding – if we all set ourselves the task of taking it once in a while even when it scares the hell out of us, I imagine our lives would be more fulfilled.

I felt a rush of adrenalin when I crossed the finished line on Sunday and I immediately thought to myself ‘I could have done this in ten minutes less’. So perhaps next year I’ll be going back to perfect my 5k run before doing a 10k and then who knows a marathon or even a once in a lifetime climb up Mount Kilimanjaro. As long as I’m healthy I’m making a promise to keep on pushing myself both physically and mentally because that I believe is the true definition of life!

A suburban myth

A number of people I know live in the suburbs, mostly ones with family but some singletons too so I was quite amused the other day when someone who lives in the City proclaimed that if they had to live in the suburbs, they would die a slow death. I wanted to laugh at the absurdity of the statement but thought this may offend so instead opted for a smile and a conversation diffuser about different strokes for different folks. It got me thinking though, what exactly do city dwellers think goes on the ‘burbs?


I know that countless American films and TV series have dealt with the subject of life in suburbs but I can’t think of a single one of them that resembles my life or the lives of my friends. Many of us moved to the areas we now live in because of good schools and space and also because we had other friends or family living nearby – not to be scoffed at when you have little children. In terms of our social lives, there’s very little change; we still go for drinks after work or head to restaurants in the city. With so much to do in London, we have chosen not to limit our socialising to the areas we live in, in fact if the truth be told, very few of us actually socialise in the small towns we live in. Why would we? The function of our residential area is simply to make our lives easier which it does, we didn’t decide to trade up on our social lives or on variety just because we signed a mortgage agreement for a 3 or 4 bedroom semi-detached house in a quiet street.

Just as there are urban myths, there appears to be a suburban myth perpetuated by the overactive imagination of film makers and bought-into by insular city dwellers that the suburbs represents some kind of a Stepford wives’ world with neatly mowed lawns and housewives who bake and have only their neighbours as their friends. I for one know my neighbours because it makes good living sense but they’re not my friends and I have yet to receive a basket of freshly baked cookies from them. I suspect that probably won’t be happening any time soon as they’re both busy professionals with demanding jobs and social lives. Most of the mums I know work; with jobs ranging from Marketing Managers to Pharmacists to Business Owners and cooking is a necessity rather than an art form. Their husbands tend to work in the City and will at times grab a drink with their friends near work or head to their favourite Ghanaian sports bar for some waakye and chicken stew. As far as I can tell they haven’t become frustrated and discontented spouses forced to share a beer with their dull neighbour who works as an insurance salesman. Likewise the mums who stay at home are far from desperate for intellectual stimulation and close to committing suicide.... Revolutionary Road it ain’t!

Obviously we all have different reasons for choosing to live where we do and our choices may change along with our circumstances. Contrary to the belief of some suburbanites, I don’t subscribe to the view that people will gravitate towards the suburbs when they have children. There are clearly children who will be raised in the city, whose school run will involve jumping on the London tube. I think it’s silly however to assume that one life is better or more fulfilling than the other. London is hugely diverse and there are no clear distinctions between city centres and peripheries. We find parks everywhere and some of the largest ones are located in the city centre so city kids do not have to be cooped up in one bedroom flats. The choice of living in Zone 4 or 5 and commuting by train should however not warrant a fear of life itself. That kind of attitude just plain silly if you ask me which I’m assuming you are. There are advantages and disadvantages for both residents of the city and the suburbs and the idea that one is better or more intellectually stimulating than the other reflects a thinking that is not even remotely routed in reality. It boils down to the individual and what they choose to do with their lives, if you’re dull in the burbs, chances are, you’re going to be dull in the city, trendy bars or not!

This whole sordid affair

You’d have to be blind and possibly deaf to have missed the stories of infidelity that have been populating the papers recently. There was Ashley Cole, John Terry, the now infamous Tiger Woods, Jesse James, to name but a few. In the US recently the beautiful Garcelle Beauvais-Nilon apparently outed her husband of 9 years by an email to his work colleagues for having cheated on her for 5 of those years. As a married woman or a woman dating for that matter, you cannot help but start sleeping with one eye open. Let’s face it, if beautiful women like Cheryl Cole, Sandra Bullock and the quintessentially Swedish Elin Nordegren can be cheated on, often with less than desirable looking women, then what chance do we ordinary cellulite-burdened females have?


I guess if I’m honest none of the stories came as a surprise, not because I could somehow foresee that these men were going to cheat but because a man cheating is hardly newsworthy in my humble opinion. It has been happening since time immemorial and I suspect will continue for as long as there are relationships. What is amusing is the media’s reaction to it all, their feigned indignation and readiness to crucify these men. Not that I’m suggesting for a second that they deserve anything less than crucifixion but perhaps not by the equally immoral members of the media. It also smacks of disingenuous journalism to pretend that it is shocking for a married man to be having a flirtatious exchange by text or twitter with women as was the case with former T 4 presenter Vernon Kay. Apparently they call it sexting and it is as bad as a full blown affair; that is according to the journalists who stalked him and covered the story with such fervour.

I can’t help but ask out loud ‘Who on earth are we kidding?’ Unless you’re a teenager, inexperienced, idealistic and a little ‘green’ where relationships are concerned, there is no reason for you to think that the majority of people in relationships, men and women alike go through their lives without what some would term ‘transgressions’ . Granted monogamy is the accepted norm but people like Bill Clinton, John Major, John F Kennedy, Prince Charles and then the more famous but less powerful Jude Law, Eric Benet and Hugh Grant do not have two heads. Nor are they from another planet, the only difference between them and the ordinary man in the streets is that they are public figures. We can scrutinise them thanks to the increasingly voracious paparazzi. So many of us are also quick to point the finger and start our public witch hunts as though we were so morally pure that these men have offended our very beings. It is hypocrisy in its highest form and rather than feed us with lies that infidelity is some shocking phenomenon that Tiger Woods invented, the media should be putting these stories into perspective. Infidelity happens and yes we caught these famous men with their pants down much to our delight but there is no need for psycho analysis babble about why men cheat or what women should do to stop it from happening. People cheat....and as the American adage goes ‘Get over it’.

Essence magazine ran a forum on infidelity – this very new phenomenon that requires our attention and understanding and I read a few exchanges with people, mostly men telling despondent women what they needed to do to keep their men from cheating. After a few comments about pleasing him and ‘taking care of your business’ – euphemism for giving him sex when he wants it, I thought to myself ‘enough already’ and switched off. I think it’s great that these affairs of famous people which have been made public gives us all something to talk about and creates an easy news story for the media but frankly after a while it all becomes a little dull. At a personal level, people should deal with their own realities and not succumb to pressure from society or the media. I’m almost certain that if the media had not been so vociferous about numerous affairs, a lot of these women would never have left their husbands having found out about their infidelity. I feel sorry for the likes of Sandra Bullock, Cheryl Cole, Garcelle Beauvais-Nilon and Elin Nordegren because even if they wanted to give their husbands a second chance, they would be compromising their public personas. The media would subtly chastise them by raising the issue at every opportunity and transforming them into either the stoic Mrs Clinton type whose ‘forgiveness’ was viewed as political expediency or the pathetic victim of infidelity to be pitied until they decide to walk away with what little dignity is left. Garcelle Beauvais-Nilon has removed her options having gone public herself, any u-turn now in favour of working things out with Mr ‘not even remotely cute’ Nilon would make her seem pathetic and desperate so the lesson perhaps is to work it out in your head and then your home before telling all and sundry. It may well be a woman’s prerogative to change her mind, but going back to a cheating spouse after swearing blind you won’t, may turn you into the headline guest at a Pity-fest!

One question I feel we should be asking is ‘Who are we to judge’ – how many of us can say with absolute certainty that we have never cheated, either physically or emotionally. Thanks to Facebook, we seem to be rekindling all types of previously defunct relationships, leaving ourselves open to flirtations which we would hate for our partners to see. To the one in a million who says that they do not and have never fallen in this category, I would commend them but add they are a rarity and rather than pretend that the exception is the norm, wouldn’t it be better for us to acknowledge and then find a way to deal with the norm. If every woman left her husband because of infidelity, many of us ‘children’ would not be here today.

The bottom line is that we must acknowledge that, like shit, infidelity happens – and it can happen to both men and women so let’s not for a second assume that this is a flaw reserved for the male species only. We then have to close the door to outside influences and work out the best way forward with our partners. There are no hard and fast rules and every relationship is going to be different but it helps to realise that you are not alone. In fact the female lawyer representing you through your divorce may well be going through the same thing and may have decided to stick with her unfaithful husband. If on the other hand you are not looking for solutions as this so-called ‘sweeping epidemic’ hasn’t hit you yet, then sit back and enjoy the various ‘kiss and tell’ stories but be careful how loud you laugh because your partner may have more in common with Ashley, Tiger, Bill and Eric than you realise.

Vive la difference

I’ve never quite understood why some people express mistrust, irritation and even disdain for those who are different to them. I understand that there will always be a tendency to gravitate towards the familiar but why should that also mean alienating the unfamiliar?


When I first left the UK to move back to Africa, I often gave my reason for leaving a predominantly white society for a predominately black one as my weariness with always having to apologise for myself. By that I mean that I had to either make myself small, blend in or try to justify my being so obviously different. I’m dark skinned so there is no way I could even ‘blend in’ even if I tried, I’ve worn my hair naturally for as long as I can remember, and my personality..... well let’s just say I’m no wallflower. Granted my reason for emigrating sounded was a little political, putting it into context, I was twenty- something, opinionated and thought I had the answers to all the ills of the world.

Having calmed down and returned to my adopted country i.e. the no longer very great Britain – I can’t say I feel as though I have to apologise for my being but I do think that things have stayed the same more than they’ve changed and many people would feel a lot more at ease if we just all blended in.

As crazy and cosmopolitan as London is, at a micro level, colleagues and friends prefer not to have the boat rocked by something or someone which forces them to think outside the box or recognise that the world out there is very different to what they are familiar with. London is for all intents and purposes a very cosmopolitan city with sizeable communities representing all the corners of the globe, yet at the office, we would prefer for everyone to act the same, speak the same, preferably dress either the same or conservatively enough to not bring attention to themselves. I am still baffled by the lack of tolerance shown in the work place – the foreign colleague who would dare bring in their traditional dish which may not be decipherable to the English pallets, will face nothing less than a mini Spanish inquisition. Likewise if you speak differently, for instance with a non British accent, or being American/Canadian/Russian/Nigerian may not necessarily relate to the British sense of humour... this becomes a source of irritation or sniggers for the intolerant majority. Finally should you dare to reflect your brash personality in the open plan offices which we all seem to be cursed with, you will face a barrage stares and probably tuts; mind you no one will ever confront you as this is simply not done. Instead they will express their irritation in a passive aggressive way by shooting evil side glances, willing you to tone it down.

So the question I’m left asking myself constantly is ‘What’s so wrong with being different?’ and why does it make people so intolerant? Perhaps it’s true the world over, that people do not like those who are different to them. I don’t know – however my limited experience of living and working in East and West Africa, France and the USA would suggest otherwise. I found people were amused by my accent in the US but there was no constant effort to get me to assimilate. In France they wanted to taste the unusual food I cooked and quiz me about my origins but in spite of the political mumblings of wanting the immigrants to assimilate into la culture française, I never felt such pressure, perhaps speaking the language was enough assimilation as far as they were concerned. In Africa, I was often the centre of attention being a ‘black muzungu’ or a ‘just come’ but never again was I encouraged or cajoled into being more like those I worked with or socialised with. So I wonder if the problem I face in the UK reflects a British superiority or inferiority complex? Let me explain.....if it is the case that the British believe they are better than everyone else, i.e. the superiority complex then it stands to reason that they would want us all to be like them because of course their way is the better way. On the other hand their irritation for all things different could reflect a fear that the rest of us with our strange language, food and clothes are stark reminders of what they lack. Could it possibly be that we remind the Brits of their eroding culture, or just that their Britishness was never strong enough to withstand outside influence. Many of them will struggle today to define what it means to be British especially with curry being the British national dish. I’m divided as to which of these two is the most accurate reflection, perhaps a bit of both. When I think of the majority of British people I come across though, I think less arrogance and more insecurity. The typical British persona is self-deprecating; unlike the French and the Americans, we are never encouraged to sing our own praises, no matter how incredible we know we are and even when paid a compliment, it’s always best to play it down. Foreigners find this behaviour odd and no doubt a little disingenuous. Furthermore what it has created is a society where we all negate the differences that make us unique in exchange for blandness, and a complete lack of honesty. We know for a fact that we are not all the same; our education, houses, neighbourhoods, salaries tell us so, nonetheless we toe the line, we confine our odd behaviour, strange food, strange dress sense to our four walls so as not to make anyone feel uncomfortable. Fortunately there are and will always be the rule breakers, who shout loud and do as they please regardless of what the rest think. They will wear their crazy clothes, have the strange hairstyles and if questioned will quite happily tell you that this is their reality and that where they come from, they blend in just fine.

Somewhere in the middle are some of us who having grown tired of explaining ourselves and our differences, have decided to conform for now but take comfort in the shocked faces when someone else breaks the rules, when a ‘crazy’ joins the open plan office with their odd shouty ways and their loud colours that are not at all this season’s and what on earth is that smelly food coming from the kitchen? We will secretly snigger as everyone else shifts about uncomfortably in their chair willing the strange sounding and looking foreigner to blend in or just go away.